I used to care too much!

I think basically I started to not give a fuck about anything was when I got out of college. I was in a horrible relationship, that in the end made me out to look like the bad guy ( I wasn't, but she turned everyone's opinion on me).

Anyway, I decided I had to relocate and find out who I am. Turns out, I am a guy who doesn't give a fuck about anything, an open book, and a straight up scumbag (in a good way). 

I used to care too much about other people’s opinions of what I do.

I used to care too much about what people think about what I do.

I used to care too much about how others judge what I do, or who I am, and that’s when my happiness was vulnerable at the time.

There’s no need for you to worry about what people think of you. That’s a waste of energy.

I’ve wanted this piece of writing to be about us and how sorry I am. I’ve wanted to convince you how much I understand you but today – no, in fact, after weeks of working out, spending time at the gym, basically tiring myself out so that I don’t think too much – I don’t give a fuck anymore about what you think of me.

Yes, I’m writing this for me.

I’m not sorry anymore for the things I’ve said. I’m not sorry for showing you how much I cared. I’m not sorry for loving you more than you think you deserved. I’m not sorry for trying to convince you that I’d be there. I’m not sorry for feeling sorry for you.

I’m not.

I don’t give a fuck anymore if you think I’m needy, desperate, foolish and just an idiot. I’m not going to Google, “the Art of Texting” (Yes I did that) and find the best words to text you.

I will text you if I feel like it. I will write about you all I want. I will stop talking to you when I have nothing to say.

But right now, I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m too tired trying to please you, trying to accommodate to your needs, to put your happiness first before mine, and to accept your bullshit.

I’m too tired trying to be someone I’m not.

So I’m going to be myself now. And you can’t stop me. 

Sometimes, giving too much of a fuck can put your happiness in danger. And I’m not just speaking from observation, but from experience.

I don’t care if you think I’m needy, clingy, pushy, aggressive. I don’t care if you think I’m into you more than you do. I don’t care what you think of me when you read my lengthy text, or when I stopped talking to you because I simply had nothing to say.

If you truely stop caring about everything, you perceive the world in a completely different way.

I've had a miserable life for many years, but then again, I don't give a fuck. As I started to care about absolutely nothing, everything changed. People are meaningless. I don't care if you die, and that changes the way I interact with you, most likely I won't because I have no interest in doing so whatsoever. I can have fun, and I can learn things but it never means anything. There is no passion. To me things people care about are pathetic. I see no difference in life now or 500 years ago. There is progress in science and all, but it doesn't change people and never will. Nature and life itself used to amaze me, now it's like I am a spectator of my own deceasing self. I can now find joy in sadness. But joy, is different from what it used to be. And sometimes I wished, I could bore myself to death, or atleast into a sedative coma of blind happiness. Colors, taste, smell have lost their potential of evoking emotions, I only observe. I only eat and drink to keep my body functioning. This is better than depression and endless worries, because it bears one thing. As nothing matters, there is no reason to live, but also no reason to die.

Remember, it's you, writing a story. 
It’s you, telling a story. It’s you not giving a fuck about anything but telling that story.

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